


Five times the boys thought Zayn and Liam were having sex and the one time they really were.

by halleluzayn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 5 Times, Accidental Voyeurism, Attempt at Humor, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bad Dirty Talk, Bathroom Sex, Exhibitionism (sort of), Humor, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Porn Watching, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sexual Humor, Smut, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 17:10:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1175670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halleluzayn/pseuds/halleluzayn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I think I’m gonna be scarred for life. Honestly.” Niall says as he grabs the remote and makes the volume go higher.</p><p>
  <i> “Oh, oh, Li, I think I’m gonna – oh, God, yeah. Yeah, look at my come on your stomach. God, let me just…” </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Oh, yeah, Zayn, look at you licking up my come. So fucking hungry for it, eh? Yeah, babe, that’s right. Clean me all up then after that, I’m gonna continue to ruin ya.” </i>
</p><p>“Liam sounds Irish when he’s having sex.” Louis casually says.</p><p>Harry removes his hands from his ears, “This is not the time to be discussing Liam’s confusing nationality during coitus, Lou!”</p><p>(Or the one where Liam and Zayn just really love each other, Niall is annoyed and watches porn, Louis wants Harry to get his eight hours of sleep and apparently has a Daddy kink and, well, Harry does not have self-control nor discipline, likes rimming and is going to be scarred for eternity because Liam and Zayn.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five times the boys thought Zayn and Liam were having sex and the one time they really were.

**Author's Note:**

> so this is what happens when i'm at a mall finding construction paper and listening to my playlist of nice boy bands and boy groups being cutesy and then hearing the sounds of zayn and liam singing at my ear.
> 
> i hope you like it. i actually went to double-check if anything was wrong in here and if i missed it then it's my fault because i only re-read it, like, once.

Niall’s annoyed.

You have to reread that sentence over and over again to actually realize that _Niall’s annoyed_. Niall rarely gets annoyed; he’s the epitome of ‘ _I don’t give a shit what you do. If it makes you happy and you ain’t hurting anybody then it’s cool_ ’ but goodness, Niall is _really_ annoyed right now.

And what’s the reason? His band mates – preferably Zayn and Liam.

Tonight, it was Lad’s Night and they decided to just stay at Zayn’s to chill because they didn’t want to go out in fear of getting mobbed _again_ but as soon as Liam walked in after him, Harry and Louis’ not here for God knows why, the two have disappeared at Zayn’s room and it’s been a solid fifteen minutes and all Niall can hear is grunting and thumping from the room.

So, yeah, he’s annoyed.

Now, he’s sitting in Zayn’s living room, waiting for Harry and Louis, with the TV on but the sounds of _Pretty Woman_ playing wouldn’t drown out the grunting and thumping from Zayn’s room.

“For fuck’s sake,” Niall mumbles as he abruptly stands up from his seat and storms towards Zayn’s room not caring about the consequences of seeing his best two mates naked because he wants them to stop, “if you two are just going to have sex all day then maybe I should –” he barges in and stops in his steps at the scene in front of him.

“Oh God, yeah,” Zayn huffs then says, “I’m so sorry Niall.” He frowns as Liam carefully sets the barbells down on the floor with a thump and groans as he rubs his biceps a bit, “I was just showing Liam these new barbells I bought him for his late birthday and I guess we got carried away. I would’ve called you to join us but, like, you were busy watching your movie, so.”

Liam’s red, from the impromptu workout or the embarrassment of leaving their friend alone he doesn’t know, “Sorry Niall. Come on,” he stands up, “I’ll just wash up and I’ll meet you guys out there.” And on cue, they all hear knocking on the door.

“Haz and Lou are here.” Zayn grins and pecks Liam’s cheek as he leads Niall out of the room, “Sorry about that, again.” He apologizes.

“No biggie.” Niall manages to squeak out.

*****

“Ugh,” Louis groans as he wakes up one morning in the tour bus, “the fuck is that noise?” he grumbles to himself. He squints around the small box of a bed they call as if the noise is somewhere in here but it’s not, its outside – preferably the kitchen-to-dining area part of their tour bus.

He pushes the curtains away and carefully hops out of his bed and looks at the bed across from his and pushes it slightly to see if Harry’s still asleep and he smiles, seeing his cute little sleeping face.

But then the noises start again.

It’s a mix of giggling, squealing and a bit of groaning?

Louis shudders, realizing who’s making such noise at this ungodly hour. He glares at nothing in particular, looking as if he’s staring at an off-screen camera and in to the viewers before muttering, “Liam and Zayn.”

“Liam stop!” he hears Zayn squealing and Louis rolls his eyes at that.

“But you’re so cute!” And Louis makes a face when he hears Zayn moaning and he looks up at Harry again and sees him scrunching up his face in irritation and Louis frowns because no, Harry is supposed to get his eight hours and these two love birds are not making it easy.

So, he marches down the hall and out of the curtain separating their bedroom to the rest of the rooms in the tour bus and is about to scold Liam and Zayn for being loud and having sex in who-knows-what-time when he stops in his tracks and sighs to himself.

Liam’s on top of Zayn, sure, but not in a sexual way. They’re on the long couch they sit during breakfast and he’s tickling his sides and Zayn’s giggling for him to stop and it sometimes changes to a moan of despair like he really wants the tickling to stop before he pees himself.

“Liam,” Zayn moans, “Liam, stop it! I don’t want to piss myself!”  But then he’s laughing again when Liam doesn’t stop, “Stop!” he whines.

“Jesus Christ.” Louis says, rolling his eyes, causing Liam to stop tickling and look at him.

“Louis!” Liam chirps, “Hey, you’re up!”

“Morning, Lou!” Zayn greets from below Liam, giving him a cheery wave. “We made pancakes for you and the boys.”

Louis nods, “Okay, I’ll just wake them up.” he says before going back inside and groans when he hears the squealing and moaning again.

****

Unlike Louis and Niall, Harry’s fine – well, sort of.

They’re all having Lad’s Night in a hotel somewhere in America.

Louis’ at the hotel room where the body guards are at, talking about a couple of things, and Niall’s sneaking down to the nearest grocery store to get some food for them.

And, well, Zayn and Liam are in Niall’s room doing God-knows-what.

After the past two episodes Louis and Niall have faced, they told Harry about it and not only did he thump them in the head but also gave them a disapproving glare because _your minds are so dirty_.

And Harry thinks to himself that what if the same thing happens to him, how would he react? He thinks he’ll react calm and coolly, leaving the place to avoid embarrassment to himself and to his mates.

But then, the moaning starts. Harry furrows his eyebrows because he does not remember this TV movie shown on the television having moans since the current scene is a wife fighting with her husband. He lowers the volume and he hears the moaning again and a bit of panting and he grimaces because _oh_.

“Quiet down, Liam! Someone can hear us!” he hears Zayn hiss.

“I’m trying!” he hears Liam reply but then the moans continue.

And Harry tries, he does. He tries to stand up and will himself to leave the room because this is a private moment just to be shared with two people and him listening on is just creepy and rude but he can’t and the buzzing in his phone doesn’t really help at all but he reluctantly fishes it out of his pocket and looks at the text.

_(8:34pm) change of plans. we’re having the lads night with the guards and the band!!! ‘ve already called ni so just round li and z up and head downstairs.x_

It was a text from Louis and he groans. He sighs and rounds his shoulders, _you can do this, Styles. Just knock on the door and tell them they need to go downstairs._

So, he does. He stands up and goes in front of the door, “Guys?” he calls and the moaning still continues, making him mentally groan.

Zayn shouts, “Just a second, Haz!” but half of what he said is drowned out by the moaning and he scrunches up his face because that’s disgusting.

“Just come in, Haz.” Liam says, “We have to show you something.” He sounds giddy, almost, and that makes Harry feel like he needs to throw up.

“What the hell, Liam?” Zayn shouts and Harry wants to leave, he really does, but he hears footsteps and the next thing he knows, the door opens and he’s met with Liam’s smile and he hesitantly looks down and he’s… fully clothed.

Huh.

“Look, look.” Liam says, laughing a bit, grabbing Harry’s hand and pulling him inside the room. The two of them stand next to Zayn, who’s seated on the bed, a laptop in front of him and he’s glaring at Liam but he ignores him, “Look, Haz. Look what we found on Niall’s laptop.” And Harry looks and _oh, so that’s where the moaning was coming from_. “This is gold.” Liam laughs, “I am so telling this to Louis.”

Zayn groans, “Liam, stop. You’re going to embarrass Niall.”

“It’s just for fun, Z.” Liam says, stroking Zayn’s hair and makes a _tsk_ sound, “His laptop is broken though. It’s so embarrassing how the volume is so loud and we couldn’t lower it because his laptop is running too slow.” He looks at Harry, “We hope we didn’t bother you.”

Harry shakes his head, “No,” he says, “of course not. I just,” he looks at them, “um… Louis said we’re having the Lad’s Night downstairs with the guards and the rest of the band.”

Zayn nods, “Oh, cool. Sure. Just,” he motions to the laptop that’s still playing gay porn on the screen, “we’ll wait for the task manager to come up so we can end the program.”

Harry nods stiffly, “Sure, sure.”

And later, when they’re having their Lad’s Night and he tells Louis and Niall, with the latter blushing furiously, he feels guilty because he told himself to have better self-control and discipline.

***

The next time is happens, it’s with Louis and Harry.

They’re back in London after tour and Zayn and Liam announced at a dinner, celebrating the finish of a successful tour, that they’re moving in together.

Everyone’s happy for them and when they’re back in London, having already picked out a flat, they’re moving stuff from their individual flats and in to their new home with the other couple’s help.

“Yeah,” Louis says through the phone with Niall, “I know, just get me the usual and snag one of those fortune cookies for me, yeah?” he nods then stops, realizing his friend couldn’t see him, “Yeah, yeah, okay, see you later. Bye.” he then hangs up and pockets his phone and rushes over to Harry when he walks in, two boxes on top of each other. “Let me help you, babe.” He says, grabbing the box on top and setting it down on beside the front door.

“Thanks, so Niall’s being held up?” Harry asks as he places the box down on top of the box Louis had.

Louis nods, “Yeah, apparently everyone in London is craving for some Chinese and of course,” he shrugs, “fans are there and he’s taking pictures with them while waiting so he’s going to be there for a while.”

Harry nods and stands up, stretching his arms, causing his shirt to ride up, making Louis follow the movement and he averts his eyes to Harry’s face and rolls his eyes when he sees him smirking, “So, where’s Liam and Zayn?”

Louis jabs his thumb in the direction of bedroom, “Just getting the bedroom stuff set up so they’ll have something to sleep on later.”

Harry nods, “Oh.” And as if on cue, they hear grunting and Harry freezes.

Louis grimaces as he hears the huffs and grunts coming from the bedroom, “Those two are animals.”

Harry groans and runs a hand down his face, “Ugh, I’m traumatized.”

Louis shrugs, “You don’t know if they’re even having sex,” he points out, “remember when you heard the moaning and then found out they were just actually looking through Niall’s porn?” Harry nods, “It could be that.”

“Oh God, Liam, I can’t take this!” they hear Zayn grunt.

“—or not.” Louis finishes. He scrunches up his face in disgust, “Zayn is such a screamer, I swear.”

He groans when he feels the jab of Harry’s elbow on his rib, “Don’t judge a couple by their sex life. So what if he’s a screamer? You’re the one with the Daddy kink.”

Louis’ eyes widen and he slaps Harry’s shoulder, “Fuck off, you’re the one who said not to judge someone by their sex life.” He looks at him directly at the eyes, glaring and whispers, “Rimming.” Harry rolls his eyes and grabs his hand walking to the bedroom. Louis, finally realizing where they’re going, tries to stop and pull Harry back and hisses at him, “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

“Making them stop with the sex.” Harry says bluntly.

“Oh God, Harry –”

But Harry lets go of his hand and pounds on the bedroom door, “Guys?”

“Just a minute, Harry,” Liam grunts, “we’re doing something important!”

“I’m coming in.” Harry announces.

“Okay.” the couple says, making Harry’s eyes widen and he looks at Louis, whose eyes are widened as well.

“Um…” Harry licks his lips, “okay?” he says unsure and opens the door and walks in, covering his eyes.

“Harry?” Zayn calls, smiling at him amusedly, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Harry sighs, “just, Louis and I were talking and we –”

“Harry, before you talk, can you, like, take off your hand off your eyes.” Liam says.

“No, no,” Harry replies quickly, “it’s fine.” He nods to himself, “Yeah, fine.” he blushes again when he hears Zayn grunt but then furrows his eyebrows behind his hand when he hears something scraping the floor boards. He hesitantly takes off his hand off his eyes and sees Zayn huffing as he pushes the nightstand against the wall. “What are you doing?”

Zayn stands up, patting his hands against his jeans, “Moving stuff. We would’ve called you and Lou to help out but, like, Liam insists we do it ourselves since you guys are still moving the boxes.”

“Is it safe?” Louis shouts from outside.

“It’s safe?” Liam answers, unsure.

Louis sighs in relief and walks in and taking in the scene in front of him, “Oh good, you’re dressed up.” he turns to Harry and slaps his arm, “I can’t even believe you watched them get dressed though.”

Harry rolls his eyes and leans in, whispering, “They weren’t having sex. They were just moving stuff.”

As Harry whispers that, Liam and Zayn overhear it and look over at each other and shake their heads in amusement.

**

Later that night, Louis and Harry stay in their apartment, along with Niall (who finally came with Thai food instead because _the line was freaking long mate and this one girl kept telling me we belong together because the stars told her so I had to leave_ ). Zayn and Liam told them they can watch a movie while they went to the bedroom to get some bedding from the boxes there for the three boys. Not long after, they can hear squeaking and moaning causing all three boys to groan.

“Please tell me this isn’t real. Please tell me we’re imagining it.” Harry continues to say as he places his hands over his ears, closing his eyes tightly.

“Oi, I’m watching a movie over here. Can ya keep it down?” Niall shouts to the direction of where the bedroom is.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.” Louis says, placing his carton of food on the circle of food they have on the carpet.

“ _Liam, oh my God, harder, yeah… yeah… oh God, Liam, your cock is so huge!_ ”

“ _Yeah Zayn, you like that? You like my cock inside you, huh? Filling up your delicious and tight bum? Oh God, yeah, Zayn, ride me like the porn star you are. Fuck, babe, oh._ ”

“I think I’m gonna be scarred for life. Honestly.” Niall says as he grabs the remote and makes the volume go higher.

“ _Oh, oh, Li, I think I’m gonna – oh, God, yeah. Yeah, look at my come on your stomach. God, let me just…_ ”

“ _Oh, yeah, Zayn, look at you licking up my come. So fucking hungry for it, eh? Yeah, babe, that’s right. Clean me all up then after that, I’m gonna continue to ruin ya._ ”

“Liam sounds Irish when he’s having sex.” Louis casually says.

Harry removes his hands from his ears, “This is not the time to be discussing Liam’s confusing nationality during coitus, Lou!”

And the sound they hear next is not what they expected.

Laughter fills the room Zayn and Liam are coiled up in and they tumble out, fully clothed, and clutching their stomachs. Niall, Harry and Louis all exchange a look as they look back at the couple sliding down the floor, still laughing and clutching their stomachs.

“Um…” Harry says, furrowing his eyebrows at the two.

“Oh God, your reactions are fucking priceless!” Liam says between breaths, laughing again, as he clutches on Zayn’s arm.

“Their reactions, goodness, Liam, I…” Zayn says but then continues to laugh again, tears streaming down his face

“I don’t understand.” Harry says, looking at Louis then at Niall.

Niall rolls his eyes, “Those cunts played us – pretended to have sex so they can get reactions out of us.”

“Ya know,” Louis says, “that’s pretty low, especially when you don’t even have evidence.” He crosses his arms.

“Au contraire, Boo Bear,” Zayn says and Louis practically growls when he says that nickname and walks towards the box with a hole on it. He retrieves something from inside it, a camera, and turns it off. “Wait ‘til our buddies see this.”

“I hate you!” Louis shouts before he’s lunging towards Zayn, who screams and is running back towards Liam.

*

After the little camera thing, the boys back to being their usual co-dependent selves (as to Zayn and Liam who promised not to show the video to anyone because apparently _our dirty talk was rubbish at this so yeah we’re not showing it to anyone but we aren’t deleting the video either_ ) and a week after moving in all their stuff, Liam and Zayn have a home warming party – that only consists of them and Niall, Louis and Harry.

“I’m not really in the mood to clean up the shit Liam’s friends leave.” Zayn says as he places two bowls of popcorn on the coffee table.

“Hey,” Liam furrows his eyebrows at him as he sets a pack of beers beside the popcorn to which Niall squeals in delight as he grabs a handful of popcorn and a bottle of beer, “your friends are messy, too.”

“They are but,” Zayn turns and points a finger at him, “they’re not the kinds to leave their beer bottles lying around along with weird blue substance on the carpet, hmm? Remember that, Liam?”

“That was one time! And Tom apologized for the mess and paid for new carpets.” Liam reasons out.

“A week after moving in and someone already messed up your house?” Harry asks.

“No, it was last year when we went to celebrate Liam’s birthday party at my house.” Zayn says before walking back to the kitchen to get some more food.

“Zayn, come on, baby,” Liam says, already walking to the kitchen, “that was a long time ago!”

“It was last year.” They can hear Zayn reply.

“Those two act like a married couple sometimes.” Louis says. Niall snorts and Louis raises his eyebrow at him challengingly, “Got anything to share with the class, Horan?”

Niall nods as he takes a sip of his beer, “You’re not allowed to talk because out of you two couples, you and Harry act more like a married couple than those two.”

“Excuse me?”

Niall nods, “Well,” he flutters his eyebrows and speaks in a higher pitch, “ _Oh, Harry, your Mama’s coming over for your birthday. I was thinking we could make that nice pasta we ate at the restaurant in Italy_ and,” he clears his throat and lower his voice, “ _Louis, can you get the diaper from Lux’s baby bag? She peed. Aw, baby,_ ” he cradles his beer bottle and speaks soothingly at it, “ _everything’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna get you cleaned up. LOUIS, WHERE’S THE DAMN DIAPER?!_ ” and then he bows before grinning at them, “See?”

“You’re the worst.” Louis says.

“Where are Zayn and Liam?” Harry asks, looking at the direction of the kitchen and not seeing anybody. “I’ll go look for them.” he stands up.

“I’ll come with.” Louis says, standing up, “Last we heard, they were arguing and I don’t want to explain to management those two went to kill off each other.”

“I’m coming with,” Niall says, standing up, “I’m scared to be alone.”

All three of them walk down the hallway and open the first door, a guestroom, and see no sign of the couple. “Maybe they went out to buy more food.”

“Impossible.” Niall says and opens another door to the guestroom – none.

Harry opens another door – Zayn and Liam’s bedroom, but they’re not there. “They’re not here, either.” Louis opens the door to a coat closet and they don’t see them there, too, “Come on, Lou, they’re not there.”

Niall snorts and looks at the bathroom door, “What if they’re there?”

Harry rolls his eyes and opens the bathroom door and – yup, they’re there.

Niall’s, Louis’ and Harry’s eyes widen at the sight of Zayn hunched over the sink, gripping the sides tightly as Liam trusts hard and fast behind him, gripping his hips really tight. As they hear the door open, Liam looks over and trusts in to Zayn’s prostate one last time before the latter is coming up against his stomach. His head hangs low and Liam trusts up again and he’s coming also. Harry backs away and closes the door and they all take a few steps back before sliding down on the wall. Soon, Zayn and Liam walk out, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

After a few moments of tensed silence, Niall speaks, “So… none of them are screamers.”

And Louis sighs, “God, if you guys wanted to christen your flat, you could have done it without us, yeah?”

And Harry mutters, “Scarred.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally my attempt at humoring you guys. i was gonna add something like "crack" in the tags because that's how i felt half-way through writing this story.


End file.
